Tested to the Very Limits

 

In July, people asked me if I was nervous not knowing what I was doing after my sabbethical, and I answered "No, but that'll probably change if it's October and I still don't know!" Well, it's October, and I still don't know.

There are some who look up to me for my trust in the Lord and recently I had a good friend call me brave for stepping into this process, but honestly, right now I just feel lost (and very emotional). However, God is not silent! Every day, I come to my Papa with my fear and shame, and either through Scripture, a book, a song, or a person, He reminds me that He is in control and to therefore trust Him, depend on Him, wait on Him and not to worry or fear. So, basically I'm on a giant emotional roller coaster every single day!

I had a dear friend send me a card this week where she said, "I can only imagine that you are being tested to the very limits of what you think you can experience, refining fire can get very hot." A year ago, I was mentally and emotionally at my limits, burnt out and trying desperately to do my job well. As I am healing, slowly but surely, from that burnout, I find that God is doing more than just restoring me, He is bringing me to the very limits of my trust, sticking me in the refining fire, and it BURNS.

I've realized that I've been approaching this sabbethical thing all wrong. I came into this seeking God for the answers He could give me, instead of seeking Him for just Him. If I truly trust, then the answers should be secondary! So, for the rest of this month, as hard as this will be for a recovering control-aholic, I will simply spend time with God to get God, not my answers.

And even though I feel tested to the very limits, I will continue to trust.