Scar Tissue
For as long as I can remember I have been cautious. Some of my caution stems from being pain adverse, but the majority of it stems from my fear of failure. For years I've known about this fear of mine; saw it drive my perfectionism, played out in my hesitancy (and sometimes straight refusal) to try new things, and it nearly killed my inner artist, but up until recently I didn't realize how much this fear controlled me. I can identify, here and there, ways I've acted contrary to this fear, and it's in those moments that I glimpse my true self.
A few weeks ago I thought my life was heading one direction - a very comfortable, safe, known, predictable direction. Then (in a very tender way) God showed me that wasn't the direction He wanted me to go. The new direction was a shrouded path that was utterly unknown and seemed to demand a lot of risky faith. I wanted safe and comfortable and known, not risky and unpredictable! Sure, I had prayed months earlier that He would make me brave enough for what He had next, but I didn't mean this!
FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!
This is totally cliche, but God knows me better than I know myself. If I ever said that before, I think what I meant was that God knows me as well as I know myself, but I'm starting to understand that God really does know me better than I do. I only know the me that I am today, the me that is broken and has baggage. On the other hand, God knows the uninhibited me, the free from all chains me - the me he created me to be.
I didn't see it happening, but I have spent the past who knows how many years of my life doing everything in my power to avoid failure, and in turn that fear has muted the woman God created me to be. I hear Him saying that He has something awesome awaiting, but it's going to require risk, and people who fear failure don't risk, so we have to do something about that.
I picture it this way: every time I ran from something because I was afraid of failing, I got injured. Time would heal, then I'd run again and end up injured again. Heal. Run. Injured. Repeat. Until, here we are today, and I have a heck of a lot of scar tissue built up. God didn't design me to function this way! He knows the woman He created and only He knows what she is truly capable of, but I can't do it with all of this scar tissue and being driven by this fear.
So, if you've been waiting to find out how God's promised "wait and see" turns out, you'll have to hang with me on this journey for a bit longer ;)
For now, let the surgery begin.
A few weeks ago I thought my life was heading one direction - a very comfortable, safe, known, predictable direction. Then (in a very tender way) God showed me that wasn't the direction He wanted me to go. The new direction was a shrouded path that was utterly unknown and seemed to demand a lot of risky faith. I wanted safe and comfortable and known, not risky and unpredictable! Sure, I had prayed months earlier that He would make me brave enough for what He had next, but I didn't mean this!
FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!
This is totally cliche, but God knows me better than I know myself. If I ever said that before, I think what I meant was that God knows me as well as I know myself, but I'm starting to understand that God really does know me better than I do. I only know the me that I am today, the me that is broken and has baggage. On the other hand, God knows the uninhibited me, the free from all chains me - the me he created me to be.
I didn't see it happening, but I have spent the past who knows how many years of my life doing everything in my power to avoid failure, and in turn that fear has muted the woman God created me to be. I hear Him saying that He has something awesome awaiting, but it's going to require risk, and people who fear failure don't risk, so we have to do something about that.
I picture it this way: every time I ran from something because I was afraid of failing, I got injured. Time would heal, then I'd run again and end up injured again. Heal. Run. Injured. Repeat. Until, here we are today, and I have a heck of a lot of scar tissue built up. God didn't design me to function this way! He knows the woman He created and only He knows what she is truly capable of, but I can't do it with all of this scar tissue and being driven by this fear.
So, if you've been waiting to find out how God's promised "wait and see" turns out, you'll have to hang with me on this journey for a bit longer ;)
For now, let the surgery begin.
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