Easy Button
Do you remember Staples' Easy Button? The big red button that you pushed and it says, "That was easy!"?
We all have easy buttons. No, not buttons that we push to make everything easy (I wish). Buttons of insecurity, pain and fear. We think we can hide these things from others, even from ourselves sometimes, but to our enemy they are big red easy buttons that he loves to push. And when that push triggers shame, anxiety, and doubt, he simply stands back watching the damage saying, "That was easy!" Having one button would be awful, but often times we have more than one, I know I do.
Mine got pushed on Sunday.
I grew up in the church that my parents still attend here in Decatur, and so every Sunday I'm back in town I go to church with them. Since my parents have been members of St. Paul's for more years than I've been alive, and since the church is very much a long standing community, there are a lot of people there who have watched me grow from a newborn to an adult. This is a beautiful thing because it means that I have a lot of people who genuinely care about me and are praying blessings over me. There are few things our enemy loves to do more than take things that are beautiful and contort them into daggers to wound us.
Back in March I knew that I needed to rest, and I wanted nothing more than that. But, I kept putting that thought aside feeling weak for wanting respite. It took a lot of tears and time to get me to a point where I actually heard God say He was not only giving me permission for time away, He was calling me to it. I remember the day I realized this and the peace that came over me, but that moment of peace was then followed by weeks of being barraged with lies. By the time August rolled around and I found myself back in Decatur I thought I was clear of the shame surrounding my time off that the enemy had tried to beat me with. How silly of me!
I don't know what made this Sunday prime time to come at me, but boy did satan push my buttons. Church ends and people are mingling, embracing one another, laughing and sharing stories. An absolutely beautiful sight to see. As my parents go from person to person talking, I stand silently by, desperate to leave. Sure as an introvert it's awkward to be around people you don't know and a part of conversations you aren't really a part of, but that's not what this was. That I'm used to when I go to church with my parents. No, this time I wanted to avoid all human contact, because a conversation with someone would mean admitting that I was not only 31 and still single, but I was now 31, jobless and living with my parents. I know what you are thinking right now. You are coming to my defense about all three of those things, and your defenses would be valid and all things that I know to be true. But when that easy button gets pushed, not to mention two very big buttons, logic does not win.
Because I cry rather easily when something is very emotionally charged, there was no way I was about to confess how I was feeling to my parents then and there, so I texted one of my best friends what I was feeling. When you find yourself in a position where the shame, anxiety or fear is taking over - NAME IT! Even if it is just a text to a friend. Then speak truth to yourself. Again, because I cry when something is emotionally charged, I often choose to journal about things before I ever talk to anyone about them, so later that day I poured it out on the page. After I recorded the shame that I was feeling, I had to remind myself what Jesus thinks of me and of what He has called me to. Comparison is from the devil. My journey is unique to me, so I shouldn't even think of saying "I'm 31, single, unemployed and currently living with my parents" with a negative connotation, because you know what, I am 31, single, living with my parents (praise the Lord for their generosity), and unemployed...all for a reason! For His reason! And if He has reason for me to be exactly here, then it is GOOD!
It's not a bad thing that we have easy buttons that the enemy can use to trigger us, that's a part of being human on this side of eternity. However, we can control how big those easy buttons are. Every time we speak the truth of God as our Good Father over ourselves (because He is good!), and of His perfect timing (because it is perfect!), we shrink those buttons making them not quite as easy.
Surrendering our will to the Father, Son and Spirit, may not make sense, and the life that results will sometimes look backwards, will most definitely confuse, but it will always, always, ALWAYS be worth it!
So, when you find yourself in a position like I was on Sunday, triggered and feeling ashamed, remind yourself of that fact. Then put on some boxing gloves and go imagine yourself whooping up on satan for being such a bastard!
Tears were shed in the making of this post ;)
We all have easy buttons. No, not buttons that we push to make everything easy (I wish). Buttons of insecurity, pain and fear. We think we can hide these things from others, even from ourselves sometimes, but to our enemy they are big red easy buttons that he loves to push. And when that push triggers shame, anxiety, and doubt, he simply stands back watching the damage saying, "That was easy!" Having one button would be awful, but often times we have more than one, I know I do.
Mine got pushed on Sunday.
I grew up in the church that my parents still attend here in Decatur, and so every Sunday I'm back in town I go to church with them. Since my parents have been members of St. Paul's for more years than I've been alive, and since the church is very much a long standing community, there are a lot of people there who have watched me grow from a newborn to an adult. This is a beautiful thing because it means that I have a lot of people who genuinely care about me and are praying blessings over me. There are few things our enemy loves to do more than take things that are beautiful and contort them into daggers to wound us.
Back in March I knew that I needed to rest, and I wanted nothing more than that. But, I kept putting that thought aside feeling weak for wanting respite. It took a lot of tears and time to get me to a point where I actually heard God say He was not only giving me permission for time away, He was calling me to it. I remember the day I realized this and the peace that came over me, but that moment of peace was then followed by weeks of being barraged with lies. By the time August rolled around and I found myself back in Decatur I thought I was clear of the shame surrounding my time off that the enemy had tried to beat me with. How silly of me!
I don't know what made this Sunday prime time to come at me, but boy did satan push my buttons. Church ends and people are mingling, embracing one another, laughing and sharing stories. An absolutely beautiful sight to see. As my parents go from person to person talking, I stand silently by, desperate to leave. Sure as an introvert it's awkward to be around people you don't know and a part of conversations you aren't really a part of, but that's not what this was. That I'm used to when I go to church with my parents. No, this time I wanted to avoid all human contact, because a conversation with someone would mean admitting that I was not only 31 and still single, but I was now 31, jobless and living with my parents. I know what you are thinking right now. You are coming to my defense about all three of those things, and your defenses would be valid and all things that I know to be true. But when that easy button gets pushed, not to mention two very big buttons, logic does not win.
Because I cry rather easily when something is very emotionally charged, there was no way I was about to confess how I was feeling to my parents then and there, so I texted one of my best friends what I was feeling. When you find yourself in a position where the shame, anxiety or fear is taking over - NAME IT! Even if it is just a text to a friend. Then speak truth to yourself. Again, because I cry when something is emotionally charged, I often choose to journal about things before I ever talk to anyone about them, so later that day I poured it out on the page. After I recorded the shame that I was feeling, I had to remind myself what Jesus thinks of me and of what He has called me to. Comparison is from the devil. My journey is unique to me, so I shouldn't even think of saying "I'm 31, single, unemployed and currently living with my parents" with a negative connotation, because you know what, I am 31, single, living with my parents (praise the Lord for their generosity), and unemployed...all for a reason! For His reason! And if He has reason for me to be exactly here, then it is GOOD!
It's not a bad thing that we have easy buttons that the enemy can use to trigger us, that's a part of being human on this side of eternity. However, we can control how big those easy buttons are. Every time we speak the truth of God as our Good Father over ourselves (because He is good!), and of His perfect timing (because it is perfect!), we shrink those buttons making them not quite as easy.
Surrendering our will to the Father, Son and Spirit, may not make sense, and the life that results will sometimes look backwards, will most definitely confuse, but it will always, always, ALWAYS be worth it!
So, when you find yourself in a position like I was on Sunday, triggered and feeling ashamed, remind yourself of that fact. Then put on some boxing gloves and go imagine yourself whooping up on satan for being such a bastard!
Tears were shed in the making of this post ;)
Comments
I've walked your path and no words from any human will bring enough relief. At almost 38 years old now, the comfort, assurance, and provision I have from the Lord have been enough, and he has been faithful. You are dearly loved, by him and by me, and if you feel his wind carrying you out west, I've got room.
Best,
Katie Albers